Richland County, South Carolina
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Phew. Wow man, I bet your mom is PISSED at you. Trouble again in the public eye—tsk tsk, you naughty bird. For once, I’m glad I’m not you. Still, you’re lucky it was only marijuana and not something dirty like meth. Just look at what happened to Sarah Palin’s daughter’s future mother-in-law when everyone found out she was selling meth to 12 year olds. Talk about a downward spiral for one’s moral fiber.
Rest assured, everyone will forget the bong picture just as quickly as they forgot about the DUI thing. Give it a month, and it’ll be old news. Well, now people are talking about the DUI again since the bong picture spread everywhere like my ex-wife’s legs at the annual golf charity event. But that’s a whole other conversation. Or “convo” as you kids call it. But seriously, this is no biggie.
I bet you’ve heard what’s been going around Richland County about you possibly facing criminal charges, but I want you to know a little secret. In the 21 years I’ve been working in the Public Defender’s Office in Richland County, I can’t remember a single person being charged with drug possession. Yeah, 21 years, buddy. So don’t sweat this too much. And that idiot sheriff, Leon Lott, is a joke. Don’t tell him I told you this, but he came on when Miami Vice was on-air. It’s like he secretly wanted to be wearing the white linen suit and bright t-shirts, and thought it would be fun to be sheriff. Haha! What a dim-witted idiot.
Subsequently, I propose a plan of attack for you just in the slightest case your sweet ass ends up in lock-up here. First, I would definitely make a donation somewhere. I dunno, maybe an animal shelter or something? Chicks really love guys who like animals. And you could take your dog on a tour of shelter stops or something. Next, I would write a public letter just letting the youth know the importance of staying away from drugs, how you regret your bad decisions and tell your experience with them. Maybe leave out the experience part, because there’s nothing better than getting wasted with your buddies and smoking the gonja while eating nachos and Oreos. Damn I miss my college frat parties!
But seriously though. Usually, the other druggies caught in the past paid a $500 fine or were put away for 30 days tops. If by some strange twist of fate, Miami Vice Sheriff Lott and his funky suit put you in the slammer, I’ll personally make sure you’re taken care of. I have those strings since I'm the head of the Public Defender's Office. But you gotta play it cool homie.
Ok, I gotta peace out. My secretary is coming with me to take a deposition...if you know what I mean. Yeah BUUUUDDY! Hit me up on my cell if you’re worried.
Keep the bong dream alive-
Head of the Richland County Public Defender’s Office
P.S. I’m not sure if you can do this, but I’m sending my Michael Phelps calendar. My best friend got it for me for Christmas but I was waiting to meet you someday and make it a collector’s item. Now, I think I’ll just hang it up in my office next to my phone. Do you think you can sign it for me? Thanks, bra.